Let’s talk fear
I can’t count the number of times that I tell her “there is no reason to be afraid, mommy and daddy are always here to keep you safe”. I hear her repeat this to her stuffed animals. I get a pit in my stomach. This dark voice in the back of my mind that also comes from the darkness I see in my career, says “what if I’m not there? What if I fail her?” In my specific field of work, we see the scary 1 in a million, we see a lot of tragedy and pain. Parenthood is so beautiful, but can be so scary. This extreme, unfathomable love that you have for these little creatures you have created is beyond words. There are so many unknowns and the truth is that you won’t always be there. I have such anxiety when these thoughts fill my mind. I don’t want to let them in but they flood my brain. How can I expect her not to fear the world, when I myself fear it for her? She is so innocent and has so much love and faith in this world. I realize that I need to learn from her. I need to shift my mindset to the good. I cannot live in fear, or I will submerge her in it.
How do I do this? Well, I’m taking it day by day and learning as I go. We have two choices; to drown in all of the negative, scary possibilities or choose to jump in to the positive, the beauty. There is so much good out there to focus on, and we need to seek that out. Yes, my job makes me go home and squeeze my kids that much harder, but what I need to focus on is that we also see miracles, the most beautiful triumphant battles. I get to meet some of the strongest, most amazing parents that exist, and I strive to be more like them.
There is so much strength in seeking out support. Luckily, I absolutely have the best support system. I lean on my hubby, parents, siblings, friends and coworkers daily. I think I work with the BEST team out there and I know I’m not the only one with these feelings. I am not afraid to talk about it, feel my feelings and work through it. I don’t believe that these feelings will entirely dissipate, but I know that I will never be alone. I am grateful that my husband doesn’t see what I see and feel my fear, but I am also grateful for my coworkers that do see what I see and feel my fear. I will come back to it over and over again, but parenting is such a balance in every aspect of the word. There will always be new challenges, new scenarios to balance and chaos to conquer.
I want you to know that whatever fears you have, you are not the only one. I have some of the most irrational fears that I work through with my support system. My sister likes to call me an umbrella parent and I’m working on that; I have amazing mothers surrounding me, especially my own, that I idolize and lean on. There is always someone walking a similar path, and we need to lean into each other. If you are not comfortable, or depending on loved ones isn’t an option, there is always an alternative. Trained professionals exist and there is absolutely no shame, only strength in seeking any form of support. We are all striving to be the best versions of ourselves so that we can be the best parents possible. Don’t let yourself drown in fear, when you can swim in support.
All my love,